can we get nightvision for the apartment?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
