i barfeds in our rink
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
