Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
