good thing vaginas are great cup holders
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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