Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
