I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
