Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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