I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
