I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
