My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize