we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
