Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
