Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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