why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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