FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
