I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just threw up on my dentist
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
