Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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