i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
two words: eviction party
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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