JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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