if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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