i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
