summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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