Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
