When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
people are starting to question the shark bite story
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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