she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
