there's paper in my vomit.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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