if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
