I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
