I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
