My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
