She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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