You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
