I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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