Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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