How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
