I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
