bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
