the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
