I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i came on her dog
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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