What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
