I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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