She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
These tits shall not be calmed
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
