there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
