if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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