I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
