DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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