I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
