please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
