The maid of honor just puked.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
A+ Viking dick
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
