ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
