Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
