your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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