Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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