you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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