The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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