Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
