I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
