dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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