it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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