i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
