Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
