I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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