I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
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