I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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