he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
